Countless times I remember being out with friends, maybe at a bar or a nightclub, seeing a cute girl and immediately feeling defeated. To me, there was no path I could take that would lead her to see me as an attractive suitor. My mind was completely devoid of ideas. How could I even begin to talk to someone I liked?

Usually, every night went this way: first, I looked around and saw what other guys were doing. To me, all of them seemed to have a natural ability for being social, and I felt like less of a human for lacking this gift. Then I would turn to one of my friends and ask for help: “She’s cute, what can I say to her?” My friend would first tell me something nonsense like “Just go and say ‘Hi’ ”, to which I would answer, “Just ‘Hi’? What then?” to which he would reply, “I don’t know, just be yourself”.

After this insightful interaction, I would stay in my place, people-watching, and later go back home.

Rinse and repeat. Every night the same result.

“Why can’t I be like any other person?”

Feeling like you don’t belong in some place or group is difficult. But feeling like you don’t belong amongst humans is terrifying.

“How I came to be this way” — I asked myself every night.

At one point, hearing the phrase “Just be yourself” triggered me to start thinking about it: “Do I even know who I am?”

I realized that most of my personality was based on what others liked. I didn’t have strong opinions about anything. My tastes were also very much what other people liked, and sometimes I even forced myself to like something that many people loved because it seemed that I should like it: be it movies, music, games, fashion, etc.

If I was always worried about what others liked and tried to fit in, I was never going to realize what I like. At that point in my life, I was in my twenties and besides a short list of games and movies, there wasn’t much more that I really enjoyed.

This realization, although sad, was eye-opening because it seemed like I did this to myself. It was my choice to follow others. It was my choice to always try to fit in. My choice to be a people-pleaser.

And yes, this was eye-opening, but at the same time, it didn’t feel like the path to be able to talk to girls, which at that point in my life was my main concern.

Discovering ‘How to be myself’

I kept digging into my mind and my past. If I was a people-pleaser, when did that start and why?

Asking why tends to guide you in the right direction. There’s always a reason behind the things we do. We tend to disagree and get mad at how we are, instead of digging deeper to understand why we are that way.

I realized that my reason for being this way was that I was afraid. Afraid of everything. Insecure about everything. And it was this huge layer of insecurities and fears that was not allowing me to see who I really was.

In order to uncover your real self, one needs to identify their own fears, doubts, insecurities, and make a point to overcome them.

Identify → Overcome

The first step to being oneself is looking at yourself and identifying what you are afraid of. What insecurities do you have? They are your prison and you’ve probably been a prisoner for most of your life.

The second step to realizing your true self is choosing one of these evil entities that live in your mind and deciding to put all your effort into overcoming it.

Exposure therapy is real and it works. It’s one of the hardest things to do. You need to build courage to confront what frightens you.

Will Smith went skydiving and recounts the story of it in a famous video. He explains how he was scared to death about the idea of jumping, and how incredibly rewarding it was to finally jump. He finishes his story with this quote:

“God placed the best things in life on the other side of fear” — Will Smith

Every fear you overcome, every insecurity that you remove, will unlock a new piece of you.

With every new piece, you won’t only discover yourself a bit more, but will also make you feel more confident.

Hopefully, every boost of confidence will motivate you to keep moving forward and unlocking more and more.

Do you want to be more yourself?

At GoodSocialSkills.com we can help you with some of your fears and insecurities. Specifically the ones related to social skills of course.

When you lose your fears and insecurities in socializing, you will unblock your mind. You’ll discover your own unique way of being, talking, expressing, humor, and silliness.

Your current personality is not who you really are. Your insecurities hide your true personality.

Do you want to be more yourself? Sign up for our classes and work on overcoming your insecurities.

We’ll prepare you for when you go out into the real world and arm you with the skills you need to feel confident approaching new people and making conversation.